Police Log: Popular music genre, Rap tried to commit suicide

Music Industry insiders say that the 33-year-old music genre - Rap, who was hospitalized Sunday after police responded to a report of an attempted suicide at its Atlanta home, should continue to enjoy entertainment success once it completes rehab. Reports suggest that Rap has made many attempts to kill its self in recent years; however its recent attempts have been the most threatening to the superstar’s existence.

On the scene in which the nearly dead Rap was found were several clues as to the methods by which Rap has been using in its attempts to commit suicide. In Rap’s possession was an arsenal of unregistered firearms upon which finger prints were found that belonged to Rap’s closest accomplices. Prints were traced and found to belong to Rap assistants residing in nearly every state in the US. Although all weapons had finger prints, very few of them had actually ever been fired.

The floor of the scene where Rap was found was covered in single one dollar bills as well as photographs and videos of Rap fornicating with thousands of (apparently fatherless) naked or nearly naked women. The evidence indicates Rap’s lack of respect for these women, however these women are being listed as accomplices to the attempted suicide due to their willingness to whore themselves to Rap and thus lead to Raps near death experience. Despite the evidence of extreme and frequent sex acts in Rap’s presence, no prophylactics or prophylactic packaging were found at the scene of the suicide attempt, suggesting that even though Rap had no regard for its own life, it did intend to create additional fatherless children to continue its legacy.

Finally, several types of drugs popularized by Rap were in Rap’s possession and had evidently been ingested in large quantities in Raps suicide attempts. Testing found that in recent weeks Rap had popped pills, smoked extreme amounts of marijuana, and drank every type of liquor that it has managed to promote for free in the recent years. Empty bottles were found of Patron, Hennessy, Grey Goose, Tanqueray, and Cristal with no evidence of contract or sponsorship. Members of the corporations behind these products were contacted but would give no comment.

Friends of Rap originally suggested that Rap simply had been partying hard the night before and went a little too far, however further research into the matter has found that Rap may have been in a drugged and dazed state due to its recent recognition it its poor financial state. With the exception of a few of Raps potential beneficiary’s, very little to no money is truly left in Raps possession. Despite the riches that Rap earned well into the mid 90’s, in the past decade those close to Rap report that all of Raps money had been frivolously wasted on candy painted cars, sneakers, clothing, jewelry, drugs, strippers, and rentals (houses, rims, and exotic cars).

When Rap was asked for a comment on its suicide attempts it issued this brief though nearly incoherent statement: “see Shawty, I’m a Hood Nigga, I’m So Hood, I Get Money, You Know What It Is. I’m stanky rich, I got Big Things Poppin so I’ll just get Stronger. Even if this ridiculous lifestyle kills me, I’ll die with a very Freaky Girl, My Drink N My 2 Step, on that Patron so get like me. Yuuuuuugh!!”

Reported by
The Honorable Dj Judge Mental